For this conversation, I spoke with You Can Say No, Jo!’s main peer reviewer, David Daniel Hugh Togado, about the importance of parental partnership and modeling behavior when it comes to teaching children about their autonomy. 

“It happens so much how we tend to hold onto the most random anecdotal beliefs from our childhoods.” 

I nod in agreement. To this day, I still refuse to sleep with my hair wet (or even slightly damp) because my grandmother used to tell me it would turn me blind overnight. There’s a plastic closet in my dad’s room that my siblings and I make sure never to leave open unattended because we used to be told our deceased ancestors lived inside it. Of course, I’ve done enough research to prove that all of that’s theoretically untrue, but regardless, I feel like the belief of each one is ingrained in my head. It’s funny, I don’t believe either one at all, but I’ve subconsciously connected them to the obligation of obeying my loved ones.  

David joins in, contributing his own personal family myth: “You know, I only recently found out that it’s not even true that you’ll catch a fever if you let your sweat dry on you. I tell that all the time to my own son, and now it’s too late to take it back.” He laughs. Even more embarrassing is that I had believed that too up until this point. 

“See, case in point…” He says. “There’s really no point in doubting how much of what we say sticks with children. Even all the way into adulthood. So why not make the most of it?” 

David is a child educator with a degree in BS Psychology, and conversations like these are part of his day-to-day. Having spent years working closely with children and families, he’s seen firsthand how seemingly ordinary moments can shape the way children think, communicate and understand the world around them. 

He pauses for a moment before continuing. “That’s why I always tell parents, ‘Yes, I may be their teacher, their tutor, their therapist or whatnot, but it’s you that they will always come home to.’ There’s really a different level of obligation that kids feel when it comes to their parents.” The first lessons children carry with them rarely come from a textbook. They come from the people they spend the most time with, from the words they hear at the dinner table, the way disagreements are handled at home, and the everyday moments that shape how they see themselves and others.  

When it comes to teaching concepts like body autonomy, and boundaries, schools can certainly introduce these ideas. But it is at home where they’re repeated, modeled, and lived out. “A lesson about asking for permission is barely gonna mean anything if it’s being told to a kid who never actually gets asked for their permission at home.” David says.

As David explains, children are constantly observing. Even if it’s subconsciously. 

“Kids don’t just listen to the things we tell them, they watch what we do.”

“I’m gonna digress a little but I’ve been in scenarios where I’ll literally witness parents arguing right in front of me… I think we all have.” I definitely have. “And yes, it’s awkward, but it’s not even the awkwardness that I’m focused on. All that’s going in my head is, ‘If they’re so comfortable doing this in front of me, what more at home? Behind closed doors, or in front of their kid?’ Often times I’ll see this passive aggressive behavior mirrored in their kid.” 

If we want children to believe their voice matters, we have to actually show them that it does. That can be as simple as respecting their “no,” offering choices instead of demands, apologizing when we’ve made a mistake, or asking permission before entering their personal space. These seemingly ordinary moments become powerful lessons because they’re repeated every day. 

“One conversation usually isn’t really gonna do it for children, especially the older ones. But they’ll learn from repetition and consistency.” When the lessons at home and the lessons in school reinforce one another, children receive the same message from the adults they trust most. That’s what gives those lessons the best chance of lasting because they experience them every day.